A haunted man... The white whale.

So I'm still haunted by the past, I've been thinking of lines for this for a while, forgotten more than I can remember and having not blogged in a while, I seem to have lost something this year the inclination to do things and care, everything else seemly done on automatic pilot.

The only thing that has been constant is my feelings for her, my white whale.

Originally classed as a feeling that wouldn't last in it's initial months of gestation and clumsy exploration, it still wakes up with me, sometimes choosing to invade my dreams as if it's not had enough attention or time during my day. The feeling like a ghost haunting everything, making me shiver, more so when my mind pictures too much and remembers clearly, each memory having an annoying clarity.

I wish she had been right and that the feelings wouldn't last... But she wasn't.. I wish I could be like her and just drop the feelings... Cast them to a far off dusty corner to old raise up in old age, remembering good times... But for some reason I can't.. So time after time everything has to be herded and attempted to be shoved into the back of my mind, but all to regularly it floods to the front..

I've tried to pursue a couple of others recently, the first a bit younger than me, happily lead me up the garden path.. Much to the amusement of all, who gradually believed.. Like me something between us was going to happen...but abruptly it stopped.. Herself admitting she was seeing someone.. But after a recent conversation.. He too had treated her like crap, enamoured by a younger person paying attention to them, while he had got bored with his pregnant girlfriend, a proper scumbag.

The next was a real beauty, who at times seems to read my mind, we slowly connected well and at her 30th she choose too be dressed as my all time crush.. And at the said party, she sat on my knee, the warmth of her that close.. made my heart flutter and the words to cascade from my lips to make no sense... I was under the impression that maybe soon it would be time to ask her out... but alas that seems to have gone the way of the rest... A chance encounter with the only available male at her works on a Xmas doo... And wham bam my months of preparation down the swannie....

So now a bit has past since the first bit was written, best part of a year, have thinks change or not...

Unfortunately not..

I got lead up the garden path again by the younger woman, taken up to the point of first blush, only to be stopped full throttle on the tracks.. her cruel manner finally surfacing in full glare, taunting an already shattered heart.  The woman's party I attended is still searching for someone, after dropping the guy for being a bit thick and dull... But he was nice enough.. and she is still as beautiful.

And through all this, not matter what is tried, the thoughts of the white whale persist... the only constant.

I hoped by now for me, a modicum of clarity would have appeared in the emotion fog, the years gathering behind me, hoping to learn more, but for all my efforts I'm still in the harbour of teenage angst, cast every now and then far far out into the emotional sea, but my prize constantly sighted, chased, real but forever out of reach.

Of late I've tried to get in contact with her, just to get the biggest thing I miss, our friendship, back a little bit, but I get scuttled, either by the saddest and negative word in the English language...No or ignored, like a whisper in a gale... But to add extra salt to the open wound, someone else will ask the same question and get the simple answer I asked for.

You think this should tip the boat over into the dark grasp of the emotional sea or send it casting on to the rocks of clarity... Allowing a new journey to start..

But no, I'm still chasing the white whale... Probably till the day I die.