The boredom beard.

What is the boredom beard?

What you think a beard will look like..

Well I can just about answer that.. in the first instant, I'm not the best for growing facial hair... took me till I was over 21, to have something to actually shave off.. and my monthly growth still only looks like less than a week on a normal person..

My boredom beard has made an appearance before, but not as long as it has this time..

I tend to grow it when basically I'm bored with everything, life, friends, car, job, shaving and breathing... absolutely everything.. this kind of boredom starts when all you have to get up for each day is your job.. and that's it..

I could entertain myself for a little while but I can't lose myself in a fictional world, cause the trip back to reality is ever that harder...

What it really looks like!

Now everyone has times when they are down, mine can hit me hard... (See blog chasing the white whale..)

The first time it came about was about 10 years ago... again I was stuck slightly in a rut..
I'd just come back from abroad and was living in a flat with my mate, who at the time also just needed me to help pay the rent and treated me in such away at times too

He was going through his own issues, but got very selfish at times about them... never really seeing my side....

I must admit there was some good times and I remember both.

The flat we were in was a downstairs apartment on a newly built/unfinished apartment block (still wasn't finished over a year later), the previous tennants, had made the place reek of curry, which always hung around... and in what became my room, due to the acoustics of the whole building, I could hear the tennant 2 floors above taking a wee, right next to my head... how loud it was made me imagine he was about eleven foot high.. aiming from such a height made it as loud as it was on any given morning.. and grant him he was very regular..

But this was not the only problem, a spate of abandoned cars appeared in the carpark, which chavs and skallies used to drive about in and they regularly smoked right next to my window...

So being between jobs I was in most of the day, some change coming from visiting the deli on the corner for a coffee and a read….

So in total there wasn't much going on and I was at one of my lowest points in my adult life..

But in this dark arena which was my life.. a light was soon to appear.. in the form of an internet relationship... that modern version of romance..

It all began from staying up late, since my day didn't have much in it... and all generally went swimmingly, apart from the times someone was selfish and I lost internet connection...

So soon after this the first boredom beard was cast from my face.. and flushed down the drain..

But 10 years later here I am with a hairy face.. it does distract me from my annoyance and vague unhappiness, which fills my day...only there is no light in the darkened arena this time, everything now is just done because of routine...

Whether I have reach the natural point in life where things should be full of family and kid things..
(I still have parents and my sister and niece and nephew)  but being neither married or a father and mostly having only my own company... I think the situation doesn't know what to do.. and just becomes a void..

Everything is mixed and mashed up... I've not really had a clear feeling in a while.. mostly they have blended together, so routine can continue and appear normal.. A friend actually suggested drugs to help take the edge off a bit back...

What my future holds?

I'm lost in my hopelessness unable to change my situation.. because I don't have the knowledge too either... a catch 22!... but the beard helps normalize things a little.. but without anything clear..

How long will the beard remain?...

Let the looting of memories of yesterday commece part 2

So here comes part 2, hopefully with a bit more flourish than the first.

As I take my seat in the second tier of the gods, my experience has already commenced, in the choosing of my seat.  I find it quickly.. No chance of being blocked by someone in front...and probably the best one for the acoustics also.. 

All the seats share only one thing, they are all covered in a formerly plush red material and spring sprung. This helps in making it squeaky and seemly alive, as you wiggle to get comfortable..

So I spread out into the two seats next too me, whilst watching everyone else enter.

The film tonight is a classic, well to me it is 'Raiders of the lost ark', so the audience is quite varied, families, couples and a smattering of geeks, likes myself.

The beginning, unlike it's more commercial larger sibling, it's more of a sedate affair.  There are adverts for upcoming movies, products they claim you should own, even though you don't need them and it's own set of adverts, for plays, local amateur film shows..and unusually this time, considering the audience having children in it, the previews were quite gory.. Filled with my favourite other movie thing zombies... But after this is where the usual is broken...

The lights dim, the curtains open, open the Revels and flick open the can of pop... so rather than a quick blur into the feature film, a classic Pathe news comes on screen..Straight from yesteryear, something topical and informative of the time.

I love these things, coming from an century just past, one where more discoveries and knowledge had been achieved than ever before.  Having experience the pleasure of the Plaza before, I knew this was norm here.

So on screen a large than life magicians assistant appears sat on a golden chicken, looking quite saucy and alluring, winking at you just before filling your brain with something fun....

So what piece of past is share this time,

SCRAP SCRAP SCRAP!... The booming voice rings out...

'Once the pride and joy of someone, or a showroom model, they have lost their shine, no longer the gleaming brand new model...... They have taken final journey to here!...'

And so begins the information download and visual feast, images of cars burnt, broken and being crushed in big machines, with burly looking men hitting them with sledge hammers, crow bars, breaking the cars apart, all for their metal to be reused.

Reused into what the brain asks... 

'possibly the metal could make these matchbox cars'.. Booms the voice..and so begins a short story on matchbox cars...

MATCHBOX CARS

Click to watch...

I've always had an connection to matchbox cars, due to my father, who has collected them for years, (possibly where  I get my collecting or hoarding gene from).  But back to the information.. The news carried on about the cars... Their gleaming small forms coming along the production line, but what is this, the car in front of me is the very first matchbox my father bought, he can recalled where it was and when, and no doubt will tell his grandchildren (if I ever have chance)... With my eyes and attention on firmly on the screen.. I absorb more info...

What's the next info blast?.... Look at these ...SWORDS...booms the voice... 

'This is not a medieval times.. So what is this facination with these ancient weapons of war?'

Cut to a suited man admiring his shiny sword...and many more on his wall.

How did it go from toy cars to swords?... Tenuous link that both are collected as a hobby...

So now the info rolls on.. Showing how the are cast.. Shaped and made.. Now it has to go into hot molten lead.... Cut to a man, in a brown overcoat, one like I used to wear in CDT in school, and bare hands... No health and safety bollocks in back in this day... Splashing the part made sword into the boiling hot lead, his hands blackened and huge dirty finger nails clasping the blade... 

Then cut to further scenes of polishing, painting and adding the ornate handle... Again the voice booms out, about the skills to finish the sword, cut back to the suited man and his armoury .. These will bring joy for years... Fade to black..

Then back to the sexy magicians assistant.. And the end of the Pathe news.. Lights on curtains close..

This is why it's so much better than a bigger cinema..the use of an old Pathe  news complements the wonder and helps the excitement build, by containing something personal to me or anyone else present...along with it's use of an authorities voice and what topics it discusses and blends together..

Bringing a random piece of nostalgia into the new century..Showing when great was in front of Britain. 

Is this what the bigger brother lacks?, this friendliness or sense of belonging like this show is just for you....or is it because you're not herded in with your over priced popcorn and sweaty hotdog, then left forgotten in the dark till the end?

But back to the Plaza..

So what now... 

Albatross, get your albatross..

Up step a couple of the volunteers and stand at the front and selling ice cream, from a tray around their necks... And the Wurlitzer raises again...

Show tunes are given the Wurlitzer treatment again in this interval, the familiar Jurassic Park theme music fills the ears... Ironical it sounds like most John Williams compositions..

But then begins the anthem... The one my head hears when i'm ever exploring or having an adventure...The Indy Jones tune... With this the ice creams sellers disappear and the Wurlitzer signs off to a triumphant finish and disappears again to a round of applause..

Now when do things like this happen in the larger cinemas?... It did happen once in 1999.. At the premier of Starwars episode 1...

Which is probably the last time I was more than just excited to see the film, the atmosphere was charged, but the Plaza manages to do it with every film, with it's unique take... It doesn't just act like a souless big Tv screen.. 

From there on in I'm immersed in one of my most favourtie movies, seeing all the mistakes and gaff's (easier to see on the large screen), wanting to be this adventurer, beating and outsmarting not just all evil doers, the most evil of the lot the nazi's....and getting the girl...

Then the final shot of the ark being pushed into a large warehouse.. Not just any warehouse, a glass painting.. The painting of which is one of the amazing skills now lost to the digital age.. (I know a lot about these films and their special effects).

So after all the fun had been had, the credits roll... But one more thing at the end of the performance you have to stand for the Queen...

The national anthem plays out to the image of lots of mounted guards and then a picture of the queen in her younger days, sat admiring the guards with a smile on her young face..

And with that it' good night mam'...god bless her..!

The end... But not for the Plaza... The Shining is next.. Red rum.. Here's Johnny!

Let the looting of memories of yesterday commece.

Well it's been a while since anything has made me want to write, but here goes...(and also blogger now works on an iPad)

What has made me want to blog, a simple trip to the cinema, not any cinema, but a proper cinema.

One where the sense of wonder and awe has not been lost to the over packed and over priced 'front room'.

The place is The Plaza in Stockport.  Built in the 1930's and one of the only surviving cinemas of it's kind.

I'd been before and kind of knew what experience awaited. What made me think this time, I was alone and having recently been to the 'big local cinema' to see a film I wanted to see on my own also, I compared the differences.

The big cinema, walk in through automatic doors, pay at the till, all the workers dressing in bright colours and dark pants, up the escalator, over priced food, then into the cavernous room, comfortable seats, which you could fall asleep in, sticky floor, film, end then leave.  But stuck in the carpark, due to ignorance and foolish people.

Mostly a soulless experience

The Plaza experience is completely different.

Firstly I can walk freely to the Plaza, as being built in the age it was access was only by foot or bus to the town centre.

Drawing close, you can see the top over the A6, it's neon green and red, bright in the sky atop of one of the tallest building around (unfortunately at the min the z and a are broken, but it doesn't dull the experience, I nearly walked in front of a bus in my eagerness to get there).

It's not a faceless building, like it's newer sibling, it stands tall and white, containing it's wonder and glory.  The whole design drips in nostalgia and beauty of one of the beautiful ages of man, that of art deco.

The wooden, glass door, angled and etch simply to form a piece of art itself, the shiny furniture sparkling from every edge, then it is opened by a man dress in a black suit and bow tie, greeting you with a friendly 'good evening'.  The lobby is dressed in wood panelling, the old box office, like a big fish tank in the middle, two sets of beautiful doors lead off from the left and right.
The small gathering point has more contains  double doors into the lower seats, the right side a small confectionery counter, which is manned by more smartly dress people and reasonably priced too.

From here you can go to the gods, the stairs seem to go up and up, never ending, one thing that would add to the experience, classic movie posters, at the top another suited and booted volunteer takes your ticket and guides you to the auditorium.  Once the seal is broken, the sound of the Wurlitzer fills the air and round the next corner you enter the lavishly decorated cavern, the the endless stairs have brought you too.

The interior opens out, like a cave, immersing you in neon light, architecture and show tunes on the Wurlitzer, a glory to all senses... Let the show commence...

Onward to part 2.... (When it's done)..

The Evil Radioactive Egg!

COMING SOON TO A BLOG NEAR YOU!

WATCH THIS SPACE... AS EASTER IS NO LONGER SAFE!

A ghostly Cheerio of Xmas past Stave 3

So the final part is apon us... and what will happen in the cliff hanger ending we had in Stave 2......

So once more and for the final time stare into my bouncing ball and gaze with wonder into past events......

Where did we leave it... oh yes Crunchy Nut had just been introduced to the Ghost of the future...

So who Are You?

But not a whisper came from the mouth of the Ghost in front of him...

So you are going to show me the course I could take, and according to the first two I have 3 options, each with an outcome... I've seen the past and the present but why should I worry about what might be.... I'm rich, and fairly content with what I have....

The Ghost then muttered..."3 fates".

First....

AHHHHHHHHHHH!..... Screamed Crunchy Nut....... as soon as the jaws snapped... he was back in his chair.....

"that wasn't so bad... really", he said with a quiver in his voice and poop in his pants...

" so this is my fate if I just stay like I am...."

The figure simply nodded...

Then once more he was whisked away.... and began to fall... towards this second fated doom!!!!

But just as the first touch of milk hit him and he began to dissolve, he was back in his chair.... but now he smelled a little more ripe.... like a tramps underpants...

"So these are my bad fates.... so what!"

"But..." said the figure... "it's what happens to others...."

The figure then placed a finger to his lips.... shhhh and the room vanished....

They stood in misty ground.... which cleared to reveal a cemetery....

"Where are we now?..." but the figure just pointed to a figure taking a piss on a grave....

"That's mine!", was crunchy nuts shocked expression

"You bastard Ebenezzer, all we wanted from you was one christmas dinner, but most of all your fortune when you died, but no... far to caught up in flying saucers and sh*t..... pssssssHHH! Kids your turn... and remember to wipe a bit of poo over the grave stone as you finish..."

"Cecil... How did this happen......you were the only one who understood"

Again things went misty... but clear once more....

and there was the cheerio family huddled around a small grave it's toothpick and blu tack cross hanging limply in the air....

"I'm sorry Tim that we didn't get to you in time with that kitchen cloth, we could have soaked up the milk with just Juan Sheet!, You was such a cheery soul, full of 14 vitamins and minerals, low in fat, a good source of calcium and fiber.... you was the whole grain, all in all good for the heart, I don't know what more could have been done... if only them burglars had left your gloves... things could have ended up different...."

The Cheerio Family just weeped more, their tears started to make them crumble..... and the ghost stayed silent...

"Poor half Tim", said Ebenezzer, "if only things could be different.... but they can this is the future.... I can change this.. I will change this..."

"I'll get to Penny world first thing and solve this..."

With this the Ghost hurtled him back to his house....

"what now..... what is my fate?"....

The ghost showed him.... a lone crunchy nut behind the fridge... slowly turning to dust... gone but not forgotten..."

His expression changed from one of sadness to one of glee!.

"That's the fate I want, and I shall have!".

With this declaration he woke up in his chair and jumped for joy and headed towards the window.

He threw open the window and shouted into the street.... "Oye urchin!..."

"What me?" said a ruff cheerio...

"Yes you with the hole... take this money and go to the butchers and get their two finest percy pigs and hurry back... there's a fifty in it for you...." and with that he threw down two pound coin toward the waiting cheerio... Thump... Chrunch....

"Oye other urchin..."

"What me sir?"

"Yes... take that coin over to the butchers and get me some percy pigs..."

"Righty hoo!. "and off he rolled to the butchers....

Once at the Burton Family Butchers, the cheerio when in and purchased the last 2 pigs... and took them back to crunchy nut's house.....

Here keep the change my boy...

"Wow a whole 50p, I'll be able to buy back my family again, after my father sold them to the local chemist for medical test dummies...."

but fate was not on this urchin cheerios side... the coins tipped... and there was some more crumbs on the paper laid pavement.

Crunchy nut, rushed off to his brothers house.. and banged on the door...

"Good morning! I bring you (rather late or early) christmas cheer and have brought you a fine percy pig for all the family to enjoy and presents... and a special one of kelly brook in sussys for you to enjoy in quiet of your parlour... wink wink nudge nudge.... I will take up your invite and shall be over boxing day.. with more presents.. good day to you and happy christmas.. I have a urgent errand I must attend too.."

"Who was that dear, oh the brother of the last owner ... he'd not realised he moved 5 years ago, but we did get a fine percy pig from the deal"

"Are you going to tell him of his mistake?... "

"I will but I'm just off to the parlour for a moment... I think what the butler saw machine is playing up...."

Ebnezzer rushed quickly off to Cheerios matchbox house...

He loudly banged on the door almost snapping it...

A tired bleery eyed Cheerio answered the door...

"Mr Crunchy Nut... what you doing here... I'm sorry to say that you've come at a bad time..."

"Worry not I've come to solve all your woes... first here's a big percy pig... and I managed to get all your presents and gloves for Tim... How is he?"

"Quick give me them gloves... they might just wake him..."

They wafted the woolen mittens under his little nose... with a tentative blink his eyes opened...

"Gloves?.... for me?" came a little voice.

"Yes tim, all yours and look matching socks, scarf and jumper, Mr Crunchy nut brought them for you.."

"How did you know sir?"

"Just say a change of heart helped me find out... now tim are you ready to run around outside... jump on my shoulders and we'll got out in the snow...."

So off they went in to the streets of the big smoke, running through the streets telling everyone to have a Merry Christmas... But tragedy came ebenzer slipped on some ice and dropped tiny tim to the hard floor.... Half Tim, Tim, I'm so sorry... Are you ok?...

"Sorry mister crunchy nut... I think half of me is done for.... but I'm ok... I think I'll have to get another crutch for my birthday..."

Oh how they laughed...

But Merry Christmas one and all (be it very late or very early)....

THE END...

I Fester know this tale to be true*, because if you go to a certain grave in Edinburgh you'll find a lone cereal sat on his masters grave howling at the moon.... but that is another story...

I maybe back next year... with more planning...

*it's all a lie really.

A ghostly Cheerio of Xmas past Stave 2

for scare-rah.... and jules

So you're back for the second part of our Christmas special (Little late as these things take time).... Gaze once more into my bouncing ball....

While the wrapping went on in the Cheerio household, different things where about to happen in the presence of Ebenzer.....

Crunchy Nut had finally left his office just before midnight...

"Merry Christmas Sir, could you spare a farthing" asked some street urchins to the fast paced Crunchy nut.

"Bugger off you little sods... you should be home not on the streets at this time, making them look untidy..."

"But we're orphans sir, our parents all perish in the big milk flood of '42, we've no where to go.."

"Still bugger off you little nez-bits, Do I look like I care that they were water soluble, be off with you before I get you all thrown into the big milk bowl of London Town", with this Crunchy Nut hurried once more on his way muttering to himself .. Urchins....

Just as he started to fumble for his keys ... a strange sight began to appear before him....

The Knocker on his front door began to take on the texture of a bran based cereal... and started to talk to him....

mmmm..mmm... mmmm it said... it's mouth full of the ring of the knocker....

Hmmm thought Ebenezer, I must be seeing things for the lack of food... and dismissed the mumbling apparition.

----

Twenty minutes later Crunchy nut was sat in his favourite chair, his favourite meal at the ready, Fish fingers, washed down with Cola and a Sherbert Dib-Dab with Flying saucers for afters...

Just before he began to tuck into his third packet of flying saucers, the temperature dropped and wailing filled the air.....

Whoooo! Whoooo! Whoooooooooooooooooo! (Cough) (Cough)...

A blob of bluey cheesey stuff, began to form in his gaze....

"Marley Barnflake is that you?"

"Yes is me old friend, I've come to bring you an important message... change your ways.. or end up like me.. suffering in the after life...."... wailed the ghostly bran flake...

"Excuse me..." said Crunchy Nut, "What is that thing attached to you?"

"Well it's my bear to bear in the afterlife... you also have a bear it is a ponderous bear you have worked on it these long seven years. I have to drag it around with me everywhere, because of the way I acted when alive... but that is not what I have to tell you Crunch Nut.... Change your ways... or a bigger bear waits for you in the afterlife...."

"Ha" replied Crunchy nut. "That is a fate I can live with".

Marley Bran Flake stared back at him... "maybe you could cope with a big bear, but the warning is more to do with your ultimate demise... at the minute you have 3 choices, 2 of which are painful... at the stroke of 1 am, since it's now after midnight, the two of five ghosts will visit you..."

"Two, was there a sale on or something?"

"Actually yes, a bogof, five ectoplasmic ghosts for the price of three.... beware Ebenezer, this is your only warning...." and with that the ghost faded...

Ebenezer just stayed on his chair.... I'll have some more sweets.... but then the clock struck one...

"DONG"....the room grew cold once more and then before him stood 2 small ghostly visitors....

"Who are you two?"

"We are the ghost of christmas past, when families used to be happier and not so bound by consumerism... anyways come with us Ebenezzer.. walk towards this red book... for this was your life..."

Crunchy Nut couldn't help himself from going towards the book.... as he drew closer... the room began to change... a quick blur and then all of a sudden he was in an old nursery....

"Oh my frosties... Pater is that you?"

"he can't hear you replied the g-hosts, do you recognise where we are?"

"Yes this was my first christmas... I was barely a flake and there's my brother..."

we were so small... I remember it so clearly.. as it was that night my pater told us we were milk soluble and wouldn't achieve anything apart from being broke down in complex amino acids and then pooed out....... both of us were so scared, and then determined to avoid this fate... and it was that year pater bought us both laminated jackets"

"This was your first good thing you achieved to better yourself from other cereal... but it seems to have gone down hill from there.... as proved by out next trip...."

Again they ended up in the nursery (I've not got many sets....) here we see you with your nanny Mrs Honey.... just about to be fired by your pater, for filling your flakey head with dreams and wishes...

"It was that very night after she had packed her belongings, that me and Cecil said we'd do more with our flakey life..."

With that the room began to fade and once more they were back in the living room....

"Take heed, crunchy nut, the next set of ghosts will visit you at the last stroke of 2am"... and with that the ghosts of xmas past faded away...

Crunchy Nut slumbered in his chair.. it was five to 2.. Right he thought I'll have a piss before I get dragged away again...

As soon as he had shaked his tiddler, no more than 3 times after a jimmy riddle.. or it would be classed as time with lady palm and her five lovely daughters.. He return to the living room and jumped back into his chair.. blinked.. and found the ghosts in front of him....

"Wot Cheor... canny hoos ye 'ave... nowt like itin Byker Grove or toon".

"Who are you?" said a now very confused corn based flake...

"Whe?... we r the boggles of christmas present kidda!, right off to toon we go!"

As quick as a flash, they reappeared in the slum area of town...

"Aye, pet this is more like Byker Grove...."

"Where are we, and what is this place, it stinks like....rotten milk, mixed with a sewer outlet here?".

"Sorry kidda, about that, you shouldn't stand so close to Dec, his diet tends to affect everyone

This is the house of cherrio, not so full of cheer at the moment......

As they entered through the wall, they saw the house was filled with the sound of weeping.

"Dam those coco-pops from the work house, I can't believe that they took everything and left a pile of shit under the tree, they even took the Betamax, I thought that they may have left that, they even took all my collection of top of the pop's 78's bakerlite tubes, with the saucy maidens on the front.

And all the presents and the Percy piglet, I hope the sods choke on that chewy pink meal....

And the gits smashed the door in, there's matches everywhere, we're lucky that they only smeared poo about the place, they could have set lite to it instead.

What are we going to do now?"

Suddenly all the children ran in.....

"Mather, father come quick it's Tim he's gone into shock, one of the thieves snapped his crutch and left a saucer of milk next to his bed, he's in a right two and eight, cor blimey governer!"

There in the bed lay Half Tim, his face a picture of pure shock, the very thought of that lactic trap by the side of the bed had comatose the half cereal.

"Quick call the quack!"

The local doc soon came around, as soon as he saw the half cereal, he began to tut,

"I'm sorry mr cherrio but it looks like tim will not be wanting a hat to match his gloves next Christmas... Or socks or any woollen apparel for that matter"

"Why doctor Bran why?" ask Bob.

"Well his crispness has got to an all time low, and unless he wakes he'll just break apart further".

With this the doctor left, he had an emergency cesarian to perform on a corn flake...

The cheerio family stood quiet

"I guess we just have to wait till morning, lets all go and pray to the Cinamon Grahams for him just pull through".

The family then all got into the same bed, avoided the wet patch and all fell into a troubled sleep, with the first nasal snore the room went black, the crunchy found himself back in front of his fire.

"So that was cheerios home, what a sh*t hole, I'm surprised he doesn't stink of piss in the morning when he gets to work, and them kids of his should be sent to the Shreddies mines and made to work... but I do hope half tim pulls through, cause otherwise Bob will want a day off..."

"So ye didn't learn the lesson?, well lets hope the ghost of Christmas future can make you see the error of your ways....." and with this the two geordie ghosts disappear....

"I'm hungry after all this running around, lets have a refresher... mmm"

But before he could get one out.. the clock struck 3am... and now a new ghost stood in front of him....

What will cheerio do?, will half Tim pull through?, and which one of the Cheerio family will end up on the wet patch?.... dum dum dum dumdum

The end of Stave 2

A ghostly Cheerio of Xmas past Stave 1

It's the night before Christmas and all is still, nothing stirs not even a mouse, all apart from I Fester the Rabbit, Bearer of this Christmas tale ...

Hello reader and welcome to this Christmas ghostly tale.... I be Fester Rabbit, an unknown to you...for now...I'm the bearer of a tale of misfortune, dread and more dread, with a sprinkle of love..... but my tale is basically like Dickens Christmas Carol but using cereal... and using a glittery bouncing ball as one of the props.

I start my tale where it all seemingly began, but it wasn't the first love between two cereals... Here at the top of the stairs, round the back, in the none carpeted area... was where Chaz and Suzi loved, lived and lost. But unknown to them it wasn't the first time, it had happened once before but way back in the past, the area didn't always look like this.....

or this, we need to travel farther back.....gaze into my large glittery ball.....

Back to about here.... Christmas Eve 1843

Back to when it could have been a cold wintery Big Smoke street, here in the office of cereal accountants Marley Bran Flake (deceased) and Ebenezer Crunchy Nut and sat in the cold office..

is the lonely apprentice Bob Cheerio, hunched over his desk shivering.

"One hundred and one..." came the voice from the warm glowing office in the back.

Knock, knock,

"Excuse me sir, would it be fine for me to leave for the day, is gone past 11 it's almost Christmas day".

"Hobnobs & Humbugs" came the reply.

"I suppose so Bob, it will save me the price of a piece of coal, I'll see you tomorrow"

"But Sir it's Christmas Day, I was hoping to spend it with my family"

"mmmm Humbug! again it will save me the money so have it off, but you must work harder the following day".

"Thank you sir and Merry Christmas!"

"Humph! Humbug! now bugger off Cheerio!"

-

So off with glee did the Cheerio run, back to his matchstick box home and his rather large family.

"Finally Husband, where had you been" asked his good lady wife.

"Oh Mr Scrooge had a big account that needed balancing, a large group of painted Christmas plates depicting our lord Jesus and his band as cats had gone missing whilst being delivered to a few OAP's in Cricklewood... and a second batch had to be sent out via pigeon at the last minute, so the client was checking if they could be tax deductable, I couldn't say no, it was worth an extra farthing"

His good lady wife pecked him on his cheek and rolled her eyes.

"That Crunchy Nut, takes advantage of you Bob".

"Father, Father" came the noise from the other match box compartment and from it ran their 12.5 children...

"Hello, Chantelle, Charlotte, Charlie, Chuck, Charmaine, Chatwin, Chester, Chelsea, Cher, Cheryl, Chambell, Chloe and Tim, what are you still doing up at this time?".

"We're all waiting for Santa...., we've left out a pistashio nut shell for Rudolph and a mint for Santa, his breath must smell after all them pies and sherry, last year he did smell a little of wee...".

"Well you'd better be back off to bed, or else he'll not get here on time"

So off they went back to the threadbare bed....

"Good lady wife have you managed to go to the pennyworld shop and buy some presents?"

"I did good husband, but we must wrap up all tonight, I got our 3 pennys to spread as far as possible, I got:

Chantelle, the comedy Roleen Cooney stickon eyebrows and mustache.

Charlotte the Spices Fake bunion set.

Charlie, the Rayne Wooney top pump set,

Chuck, the Bavid Eh n' Ermm! fantasmagorical machine.

Charmaine, the Theyl Weedy's My first AAA book.

Chatwin, Manny Myers hard mans soap on a rope.

Chester, the Soe Jwash blow your own Kazoo

Chelsea, the Over Price doll.

Cher, Kerry Cat-tonies One Trick Pony Kit.

Cheryl, Bordon Growns' Mumble Grumble Tin Can.

Chambell, The Half a Pence saggin' set.

Chloe, Wayne Kest's comedy false teeth.

and Tim didn't want any tat, just a new pair of gloves.

And I just had enough to get us fuel for all winter, they had copies of Bussell Rands Booky Wooky, as many as you want for free and it worked out cheaper than buying firewood, I've got 800 in the yard... and another delivery of 1500 coming Tuesday..
but I'm afraid after all that I bought our Christmas dinner may not be nutritional enough for our needs, but I did manage to get one Percy Piglets for all the family Xmas Dinner.

..... but we have nothing left. The piglet will have to last a while.... we have such a large family because TV hasn't been invented yet or Johnnies and we are catholic, I worry so for Half Tim after his accident with that drop of milk you know how fragile he is.."

"It will be fine good wife now lets get on with the wrapping"


But things weren't so pleasant in the crunchy nut house hold..... (Onward to Stave 2)