for scare-rah.... and jules
While the wrapping went on in the Cheerio household, different things where about to happen in the presence of Ebenzer.....
Crunchy Nut had finally left his office just before midnight...
"Merry Christmas Sir, could you spare a farthing" asked some street urchins to the fast paced Crunchy nut.
"Bugger off you little sods... you should be home not on the streets at this time, making them look untidy..."
"But we're orphans sir, our parents all perish in the big milk flood of '42, we've no where to go.."
"Still bugger off you little nez-bits, Do I look like I care that they were water soluble, be off with you before I get you all thrown into the big milk bowl of London Town", with this Crunchy Nut hurried once more on his way muttering to himself .. Urchins....
Just as he started to fumble for his keys ... a strange sight began to appear before him....
The Knocker on his front door began to take on the texture of a bran based cereal... and started to talk to him....
mmmm..mmm... mmmm it said... it's mouth full of the ring of the knocker....
Hmmm thought Ebenezer, I must be seeing things for the lack of food... and dismissed the mumbling apparition.
----
Twenty minutes later Crunchy nut was sat in his favourite chair, his favourite meal at the ready, Fish fingers, washed down with Cola and a Sherbert Dib-Dab with Flying saucers for afters...
Just before he began to tuck into his third packet of flying saucers, the temperature dropped and wailing filled the air.....
Whoooo! Whoooo! Whoooooooooooooooooo! (Cough) (Cough)...
A blob of bluey cheesey stuff, began to form in his gaze....
"Marley Barnflake is that you?"
"Yes is me old friend, I've come to bring you an important message... change your ways.. or end up like me.. suffering in the after life...."... wailed the ghostly bran flake...
"Excuse me..." said Crunchy Nut, "What is that thing attached to you?"
"Well it's my bear to bear in the afterlife... you also have a bear it is a ponderous bear you have worked on it these long seven years. I have to drag it around with me everywhere, because of the way I acted when alive... but that is not what I have to tell you Crunch Nut.... Change your ways... or a bigger bear waits for you in the afterlife...."
"Ha" replied Crunchy nut. "That is a fate I can live with".
Marley Bran Flake stared back at him... "maybe you could cope with a big bear, but the warning is more to do with your ultimate demise... at the minute you have 3 choices, 2 of which are painful... at the stroke of 1 am, since it's now after midnight, the two of five ghosts will visit you..."
"Two, was there a sale on or something?"
"Actually yes, a bogof, five ectoplasmic ghosts for the price of three.... beware Ebenezer, this is your only warning...." and with that the ghost faded...
Ebenezer just stayed on his chair.... I'll have some more sweets.... but then the clock struck one...
"DONG"....the room grew cold once more and then before him stood 2 small ghostly visitors....
"Who are you two?"
"We are the ghost of christmas past, when families used to be happier and not so bound by consumerism... anyways come with us Ebenezzer.. walk towards this red book... for this was your life..."
Crunchy Nut couldn't help himself from going towards the book.... as he drew closer... the room began to change... a quick blur and then all of a sudden he was in an old nursery....
"Oh my frosties... Pater is that you?"
"he can't hear you replied the g-hosts, do you recognise where we are?"
"Yes this was my first christmas... I was barely a flake and there's my brother..."
we were so small... I remember it so clearly.. as it was that night my pater told us we were milk soluble and wouldn't achieve anything apart from being broke down in complex amino acids and then pooed out....... both of us were so scared, and then determined to avoid this fate... and it was that year pater bought us both laminated jackets"
"This was your first good thing you achieved to better yourself from other cereal... but it seems to have gone down hill from there.... as proved by out next trip...."
Again they ended up in the nursery (I've not got many sets....) here we see you with your nanny Mrs Honey.... just about to be fired by your pater, for filling your flakey head with dreams and wishes...
"It was that very night after she had packed her belongings, that me and Cecil said we'd do more with our flakey life..."
With that the room began to fade and once more they were back in the living room....
"Take heed, crunchy nut, the next set of ghosts will visit you at the last stroke of 2am"... and with that the ghosts of xmas past faded away...
Crunchy Nut slumbered in his chair.. it was five to 2.. Right he thought I'll have a piss before I get dragged away again...
As soon as he had shaked his tiddler, no more than 3 times after a jimmy riddle.. or it would be classed as time with lady palm and her five lovely daughters.. He return to the living room and jumped back into his chair.. blinked.. and found the ghosts in front of him....
"Wot Cheor... canny hoos ye 'ave... nowt like itin Byker Grove or toon".
"Who are you?" said a now very confused corn based flake...
"Whe?... we r the boggles of christmas present kidda!, right off to toon we go!"
As quick as a flash, they reappeared in the slum area of town...
"Aye, pet this is more like Byker Grove...."
"Where are we, and what is this place, it stinks like....rotten milk, mixed with a sewer outlet here?".
"Sorry kidda, about that, you shouldn't stand so close to Dec, his diet tends to affect everyone
This is the house of cherrio, not so full of cheer at the moment......
As they entered through the wall, they saw the house was filled with the sound of weeping.
"Dam those coco-pops from the work house, I can't believe that they took everything and left a pile of shit under the tree, they even took the Betamax, I thought that they may have left that, they even took all my collection of top of the pop's 78's bakerlite tubes, with the saucy maidens on the front.
And all the presents and the Percy piglet, I hope the sods choke on that chewy pink meal....
And the gits smashed the door in, there's matches everywhere, we're lucky that they only smeared poo about the place, they could have set lite to it instead.
What are we going to do now?"
Suddenly all the children ran in.....
"Mather, father come quick it's Tim he's gone into shock, one of the thieves snapped his crutch and left a saucer of milk next to his bed, he's in a right two and eight, cor blimey governer!"
There in the bed lay Half Tim, his face a picture of pure shock, the very thought of that lactic trap by the side of the bed had comatose the half cereal.
"Quick call the quack!"
The local doc soon came around, as soon as he saw the half cereal, he began to tut,
"I'm sorry mr cherrio but it looks like tim will not be wanting a hat to match his gloves next Christmas... Or socks or any woollen apparel for that matter"
"Why doctor Bran why?" ask Bob.
"Well his crispness has got to an all time low, and unless he wakes he'll just break apart further".
With this the doctor left, he had an emergency cesarian to perform on a corn flake...
The cheerio family stood quiet
"I guess we just have to wait till morning, lets all go and pray to the Cinamon Grahams for him just pull through".
The family then all got into the same bed, avoided the wet patch and all fell into a troubled sleep, with the first nasal snore the room went black, the crunchy found himself back in front of his fire.
"So that was cheerios home, what a sh*t hole, I'm surprised he doesn't stink of piss in the morning when he gets to work, and them kids of his should be sent to the Shreddies mines and made to work... but I do hope half tim pulls through, cause otherwise Bob will want a day off..."
There in the bed lay Half Tim, his face a picture of pure shock, the very thought of that lactic trap by the side of the bed had comatose the half cereal.
"Quick call the quack!"
The local doc soon came around, as soon as he saw the half cereal, he began to tut,
"I'm sorry mr cherrio but it looks like tim will not be wanting a hat to match his gloves next Christmas... Or socks or any woollen apparel for that matter"
"Why doctor Bran why?" ask Bob.
"Well his crispness has got to an all time low, and unless he wakes he'll just break apart further".
With this the doctor left, he had an emergency cesarian to perform on a corn flake...
The cheerio family stood quiet
"I guess we just have to wait till morning, lets all go and pray to the Cinamon Grahams for him just pull through".
The family then all got into the same bed, avoided the wet patch and all fell into a troubled sleep, with the first nasal snore the room went black, the crunchy found himself back in front of his fire.
"So that was cheerios home, what a sh*t hole, I'm surprised he doesn't stink of piss in the morning when he gets to work, and them kids of his should be sent to the Shreddies mines and made to work... but I do hope half tim pulls through, cause otherwise Bob will want a day off..."
"So ye didn't learn the lesson?, well lets hope the ghost of Christmas future can make you see the error of your ways....." and with this the two geordie ghosts disappear....
"I'm hungry after all this running around, lets have a refresher... mmm"
But before he could get one out.. the clock struck 3am... and now a new ghost stood in front of him....
What will cheerio do?, will half Tim pull through?, and which one of the Cheerio family will end up on the wet patch?.... dum dum dum dumdum
The end of Stave 2
Bravo L'Ant et Dec, bravo Le Morcambe et Wise. What terrible fate awaits poor Cherio at the hands of Le Pasee Noel?
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